So lately I’ve been saying how happy I am. But now, today, I don’t know. I’ve been so happy because I am dating someone. I was happy single. But it’s been nice to have someone want me. I haven’t had that for a long, long time. I’ve been thinking just today, “do I want this?” “Is this person the best there is for me?” If it is, quite honestly that makes me very sad. He’s a nice person, I for the most part enjoy his company. I love that he wants to touch me. I like cooking for someone who enjoys my cooking. And the look on people’s faces when I say I am dating someone…that makes me sad too. Like they are happy I’m with someone no matter who it is. So much importance is placed on a persons ability to attract a mate. And if you are alone, “Well, you must be deficient in some way.” “Why doesn’t anyone want to be with you?” You are too fat, too independent, too loud and outspoken, too intelligent or too intellectual. A life of chosen singlehood is relatively unheard of outside of the church. And while I have told more people than I should have about this relationship, because I wanted them to know I was dating, I wish I wouldn’t have. I was happy for all the reasons listed above, but I doubt it’s a forever thing. And I don’t know that I want to marry him. He is a good man, a decent and caring man. But I don’t know that he’s my forever man. I don’t know. I voiced this concern to my friend Jayne tonight (4/24) for the first time and it felt good to say it outloud.
I could be single for the rest of my life and be happy as long as I am surrounded by friends and company and friends. In fact, if this man and I break up, I probably will be single for the rest of my life. It doesn’t scare me. In fact I kind of like it. It doesn’t make you a lonely person. Believe me there is nothing more lonely than being the only person involved in a two person relationship. As a wise woman once said “It would take one hell of a man to be better than no man.”
(Post Script : as of 5/11 I currently am single. I’m feeling great about it. Balanced and at peace, etc. I’m looking forward to making the most of what is shaping up to be a GREAT summer!)
I think I may be built to be single. I don't think I know how to be in a relationship. Which is fine with me. I kind of like to come and go as I please, make my own plans, do my own thing. Are there benefits to being in a relationship - I'm sure there are. But for right now, I'm looking forward to a season of singleness!