Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dirty and Smiling

The problem with a blog - unbeknowst to me at the time of creating it - is that you can't REALLY personally vent.  You can only allude to the situation or the person in question and thats just passive aggressive and I can't stand that.  Even though I know my list of readers is relatively small, it's just one of those social things I should probably just avoid because I will regret it later.  I think if I removed the link from my Facebook page I would feel a little more free to write what I want.  But I also feel like thats cheating.  I don't know why.  
So as far as the title of the  blog goes, is derived from the Ani DiFranco song 'Not A Pretty Girl'  and the chunk of lyric it comes from is this - 
I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

I would love to come clean.  Tell people I'm pissed but I am the universal peacemaker (read - Universal Pacifier....not like a binky but like in calming the situation).  Saying things like "No, really, I'm ok!", or "Thats great, that'll work too.", "sure, I didn't see it from that way."  Since when have I been afraid to say what need.  And if I actually told people "Hey that hurt when you did that.", "It made me feel like crap when this happened." man, things would come undone.  "What happened to the 'Happy Mandy'?"  "When did you become such a bitch?"  I'm afraid my first act of coming clean will be painful.  A separation and distinction which has needed to happen for some time now but I was afraid of the pain. Now I am not sure which would cause more pain - maintaining this friendship or losing it. 

No comments:

Post a Comment